Teenager

The fact that I'm mortal influences everything I do. Being conscious of how little time I have to 'experience' pushes me to come out of my shell and do the things I do. I don't have forever and so I go. Conciousness about existing as it is makes me feel trapped, like my humanity is a prision that I can't escape.

I feel condemned, even when I'm at an amusement park with my sisters all I can think about is their dying day. Consciousness is the bitter vegetable in the soup of my life, makes everything seem pointless. Why try to leave a mark in a world that will continue to burp out mortals? They will die, their kids will die, their kid's kids will die, and so on.

Perhaps it's a "phase" I'm going through but eh. Perhaps it's like a friend says, "That's how we feel now because we're young, we're teenagers. Forty, sixty years from now we'll think differently. By then we would've done everything we possibly could and whatever we didn't do we won't regret because we'll be too tired to."

Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps. The thought ruins things, because of it I find most people boring, ignorant, parties are boring. I like to lock myself away and comfort myself with writing or reading. Writing, I don't know why I do it. Right now I do it for money. I wish to do it for money in the future but not completely. Stories designed to bring in cash soon resemble a prostitute. Tired, bitter, "one-eyed and sickly." But consciousness tells me I haven't the time to waste in making money or going to school to learn how to make money.


Everything seems like a waste of time. I'm boring.